Week 2 Journal: Exploring My Koshas

"I may not be where I want to be, but I'm not where I could potentially end up, either!"

This quote came to me in Sunday's practice class. Daren demonstrated how some people walk with rounded backs, or with tight quads and their butts sucked in ("the cowboy"). I couldn't help but laugh, but found the examples kind of comforting. I may have tight hips, but at least I don't have the posture of a 90-year-old granny!! Ha! I remember how difficult it used to be for my mom to lift her arms just doing simple activities like putting on a shirt. Rarely do we stop to give thanks for all of the mobility that we have. I was less frustrated this week about my lack of flexibility, and instead, chose to be grateful for the flexibility I have and the opportunity for it to improve in the future. I'm thankful that I chose to make my health a priority this year. If I had to choose a word to describe this week, it would be open. I was open to learning and trying some new things. At Daren's recommendation I checked out Swami J's website and found some really good information. I loved the lesson on "What do I want?" When I took Aadil's workshop a few weeks ago, he spoke about the desires that make our hearts smile. I know what some of those things are, but I'm trying to figure out a way to articulate them into a simple keyword like Swami J suggests. Inspired by my focus on the koshas this week, I also decided to have my very first acupunture treatment...get my Qi flowing! It was a good experience; couldn't even feel the needles when they were in.

A friend of mine sent me this photo of the statue woman and I instantly fell in love with it. When I look at this picture, I see myself and why I was drawn to teacher training. I know there is amazing energy and light within me, but I feel like there's this outer shell I need to break through to expose it. Sometimes the koshas are protective, but sometimes you can be held captive. I just want to be free...be authentic...live my dharma (as Aadil would say). This photo illustrates that the process of breaking through is truly an inside-out job. Developing my personal yoga practice is part of my internal work and this week I incorporated more meditation and journaling. There's a lot more chipping at my shell to do, but the process is underway... This week was a whirlwind week and I didn't practice on anyone. I called out cues to myself while doing Chakravakrasana, so I hope that counts. I really enjoy this sequence. It's relaxing once you get into a flow of doing it. A small group of us have agreed to meet an hour before class to go over vocabulary for the quiz. It's nice to have a support network early on and reading their messages throughout the week have been helpful. I'm not the only one trying to figure out how to get all of this done and make sense of everything.

Week 1 Journal: "Why Is Easy Pose HARD?!!"

The first weekend of teacher training was a little overwhelming. I wondered (and STILL wonder) if I'm flexible enough for teacher training. I tried to get myself "ready" before training started by doing yoga on a consistent basis, even started going to weekly private yoga lessons, but my hips are still tight. I'm frustrated that "easy pose" (Sukhasana) is still hard for me and my knees don't rest on the ground. And forget about trying the variation of resting my feet on my thighs - not happening! Note even close. How on earth can I teach yoga and I can't even sit in easy pose correctly?! That's just one of the many frantic questions running through my head while I sat in class. It seems like everyone in class has been doing yoga for years and so much more flexible. I feel like I'm at a slight disadvantage because I have the extra task of trying to get my body to move in seemingly impossible ways, on top of learning Sanskrit and how to teach things my body may or may not be able to do. I feel like I have such a far way to go to catch up and keep up. I toyed with the idea of waiting longer to take teacher training. Maybe it would be better to sign up after I get good at it. Wait until my arms are strong enough...until my forehead touches my knees during forward fold, until my hips are FINALLY open enough to sit in easy pose the right way! But, I figured there's no guarantee when or if that time would come. Never is a long time to wait. Might as well jump right in while I have the desire and the means to do it, so here I am. I hate being a beginner. But, I know this is where I have to start - at MY beginning. Ughh! At the end of Week 1, I spent Friday night doing the first homework lesson. There wasn't anything on my social calendar, so it really wasn't as pathetic as it sounds. The reading for Week 1 from "Yoga for Wellness" actually helped me not to focus so much on what my body "can't" do. I have to accept where it is right now and believe that it contains infinite possibilities to transform. Yoga is not all about getting the poses (which I so desperately want to get). The asanas are only a piece of the living practice of yoga. My hope is that when my future students train with me, they'll get more than just a 90 minute workout. I want them to leave with a deeper meaning of yoga and with more of themselves than what they came with.

If we understand who we are, we can refine and improve how we feel, no matter what our genetic predisposition. - "Yoga for Wellness" p. xvi